Monologue Jokes

Here are some new monologue jokes we’ve been working on for Talk Hard.

A former Republican leader, who had made fun of Anthony Weiner on Twitter a couple months ago, was arrested this week for sexting, with a minor. It’s all part of the GOP’s new slogan, “We Don’t Know How The Internet Works!” (Monique)

Colorado police on Monday arrested a 19-year-old rapper who was recording a song about a police standoff…while in the middle of an actual police standoff. The song is entitled, “Is It Still Considered Writing If I’m Just Telling You What’s Happening To Me As It Happens?” (Corey)

This week a Michigan couple welcomed their 12th son. They’ve decided to name him, “Damn it! Again?” (Monique)

Feeling his way around and without a blueprint to guide him, a blind man in Texas is building his dream house by hand. Well, at least that’s what we’re telling him. (Corey)

In an interview this week, Sylvester Stallone called Bruce Willis “lazy” and “greedy”. At least, that’s what it kind of sounded like he said. (Monique)

Singer Chris Brown has been promoting his new album this week. The album is Brown’s 6th record, and it’s titled “X”, featuring the single “I Don’t Understand Roman Numerals”. (Corey)

A surgeon from the Russian region of Siberia was arrested after he allegedly stole some of the heroin from the stomach of the drug mule that police hired him to remove.  The doctor figured, what’s the worst they could do? Send him MORE to Siberia? (Corey)

A couple who was arrested for having a lot of oral sex on a plane could be face 90 days in jail. Can you blame them for wanting something better to eat than airplane food? (Monique)

A black bear broke into an Idaho house and ate left over Chinese from the kitchen. Then mama bear broke in and said, “These Chinese leftovers are too cold.” (Monique)

The bear was found sitting in his kitchen, licking a pan. The Idaho man who found the bear in his house said, “I don’t know if a bear shits in the woods, but I do know that I shit in my pajamas.” (Corey)

* Made it in the show!

Monologue Jokes

As you may or may not know, we’re both monologue writers for Talk Hard, the late-night talk show that takes place every Friday at 12:00 midnight at the  Chicago ComedySportz theater. The show is really fun and just keeps getting better. Not only were we named the “Best Sketch and Improv Troupe” by The Reader, it’s been extended through the rest of the year!

As monologue writers, we have to write 20 news-based jokes a week. Out of about 400 + jokes, ours often make it into the show. It’s great, because it keeps our writing our skills up, but it’s also keeping us current on the weird news out there. Often we share the jokes on Facebook and Twitter after the show, so we figured we might as well put them up here. Here are some of our favorites from this week and a few weeks back.

Talk Hard Monologue Jokes week of Aug 2nd

– A man in South Carolina was arrested this week after his girlfriend alleged that he assaulted her by throwing a piece of pizza at her, then slamming her on a kitchen counter. Honestly, ma’am, I’d lead with the kitchen counter thing. (Corey)

A 50-year-old man in Maine accidentally pooped his pants at the federal courthouse this week, and made such a mess trying to clean it up, that the judge gave the man a week in jail. So get ready for the new hit series on Netflix, “Orange is the new Brown”! (Corey)

In a letter written from prison, former New England Patriots football player Aaron Hernandez maintains he is innocent of the murder charges against him, saying he can’t wait to prove all the haters wrong. Or at the very least murder them for talking shit. (Corey)

– Leah Remini has broken her silence on her leaving Scientology…. Aaand now Leah Remini is dead. (Monique)

– A jealous father stabbed a t-ball coach in front of the kids at the park. And you thought YOUR father was embarrassing. (Monique)

– A 9 yr old Arizona boy digging for worms was surprised to find a handgun… Those worms were like, “This is a stick up. Now give me all your dirt.” (Monique)

Another study out this week claims that the ritual of singing “Happy Birthday” actually makes cake taste better. Except when you’re alone. (Corey)

– Authorities in Florida are searching for clues about a human skull found near the ninth hole of a Miami-area golf course. For now, police are calling the area a crime scene and warning golfers that messing with the skull is a felony and subject to a two-stroke penalty. (Corey)

Taco Bell announced that they’re no longer going to sell kids meals.  So now kids can get grown-up diarrhea! (Monique)

An Oklahoma woman allegedly attempted to stab her neighbor Monday afternoon over the fact that she had sex with her cat. (shrugging shoulders in saddness) Another case of pussy on pussy on pussy crime. (Monique)

* The New England Patriots are offering fans the opportunity to trade-in Aaron Hernandez jerseys for any other team player’s jersey, after Hernandez’ arrest on murder charges last month. That’s right kids! Turn in that murderer’s jersey for any number of these domestic abuse offender jerseys!  (Corey)

The Hooters owl logo has a new, modern look. Yeah, they’re saggier with stretch marks now. (Monique)

* Actually made it in the show!